• A Boy and His Fancy Dog, A Carload of Dead Guys, Creeps Part 2, and A Great Modern Hero


    I saw a very depressing commercial the other day.  A mama polar bear and her baby bear were boogie boarding on a small ice sheet the size of…well a boogie board.  Damn global warming.  It sucked the air out of me to watch the poor bears on pathetically small ice floes and so I figure, hell, I gave money to save the honeybees, I should give some money to save the bears as well.  My cousin is dealing with global warming anxiety in a much different way.  He’s being sent to a therapist, firstly.  Seeing as he’s still a little kid, the therapist told his parents to let it play out.  And so he’s decided to build a boat so he can float on once the waters rise.  It would be just big enough for him and his fancy long-haired dog.  Which might be telling since he obviously has no plans for mami y papi.


    My friend walked by a car of two dead guys the other day while eating some bacon from the cafeteria.  She looked at the car and thought to herself now, that looks like a car of dead guys and she was right.  The police took a long time moving these dead guys and even left them in the car and towed them in the car back to the crime lab.  I wonder if they covered them.  The SF Chron online featured a pic of one of the dead guys.  He was just looking right at the camera.  Not creepy at all.


    Speaking of creepy, my co-worker handed me a list of creepy women (see my last post).  I don’t think he understood the assignment fully.  Here is the list:


    1.  Woman who had 10 abortions.
    2.  Woman who had her breasts removed and male genitals surgically attached.
    3.  Queen who bathed in the blood of young virgins for youthful skin (Eastern Europe, middle ages)
    4.  Gertrude Stein
    5.  My ex-girlfriend when she had PMS, a bad day at work, no pot and ran out of Prozac.
    6.  The older girl who hit me in the head with a muddy club with nails in it when I was 5 or 6 (no warning – I had several stitches in my ear) – my first encounter with a feminist.
    7.  Punk girl, singer in the Mutants (late 1970’s) who put raw liver in her coochi and went to work.
    8.  Joan Crawford (“Mommie Dearest“); Anne Sexton (drunk and masturbating in front of her young daughter); Lydia Lunch (used to be with Teenage Jesus and the Jerks)
    9.  Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno with respect to suicide of Vincent Foster and the Waco massacre (authorized by Reno).
    10.  Lorena Bobbit
    11.  Helen Gurley Brown – editor of Cosmopolitan, a “social x-ray”, refers to young womenas mouseburgers.
    12. Woman with Munchhausen syndrome (makes her kid sick because she likes the attention and the drama at the hospital)
    13.  Big Nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest; head prison guard in a woman’s prison in a film I saw (1950’s).
    14.  Emily Dickinson – lived alone, liked to go to funerals, called a “lesbian vampire” by Camille Paglia.


    It is a very valiant effort demonstrating how well-read he is.  I was asking for creepy qualities, but I suppose some concrete examples can be helpful.  Most of these women aren’t really creepy according to my own highly complex and private definition of creepy.  They sound distressed.  Misunderstood.  Except for maybe that queen who bathed in the blood of virgins. 



    My newest hero is that crazy chick who had her beloved pit bull cloned.  Okay, that alone might make you crazy.  I think she sold her house for the money to have this procedure done in Korea.  I half-read a lot of news stories, so this might be all off.  Well, it so happens that this is a lady with a past.  A shady lady.  A lady who, along with some male accomplice, kidnapped some young Mormon missionary in London in the 60s, ties him to a bed, bound his hands with fur-lined handcuffs and forced him to be her dirty little love slave.  Hats off.  Well, you know…she’s also wanted in Tennessee of all places.  She got some 15-year-old kid to break into a house to get money for a fake leg for her beloved horse.  Could you make this story up?  Does she qualify as creepy?  Because if that’s what it takes, count me in. 



    Oh yeah…for your viewing pleasure (those who haven’t experienced visual and rhythmic greatness)…I give you…


  • In the News, Bacon Lollys, and Creepy Girls

    In the news…

    There are times you can stumble across a news story that’ll sort of elate you. I’m not easily elated by anything I read in the paper, but last week was a doozy. I mean, the weirder, the better. It reminds me that this world is random and trippy and really, pretty unbelievable. The free version of our San Francisco paper has a crime page—“Crime and Punishment”—that lists various tales of mayhem, depravity and general weirdness. For example: “A convicted sexual predator who changed his name [from Michael Zasimovitch to Ava Zinlu—a marked improvement] at the request of the devil will be in court today for a trial on whether to keep him locked up in a state hospital.” His new name really does sound devil-given.

    Right beneath that story is a notice that the trial date was set in the case of Eric Munoz, an interesting man who robbed some crummy bank in crummy Foster City while wearing a yellow hardhat. Fairly ordinary stuff until the note he handed the teller: “Bank Robbery, I Have A Gon.” Dude, he spelled robbery right and gun phonetically? Well, sort of phonetically. Another story further down recounts the dramatic police chase of some drug-selling parolee who ran into a random house and was found sitting on the toilet.

    My best gal pal, Jim, used to live in some lean-to in the Mission full of very diverse and wacky characters. She took over a room that had been occupied by a guy who had gotten put away for attempting to rob a bank. His name was Rob, which seemed fitting. Anyhow, Rob eventually got out and developed some crush on Jim. He tried to woo her with his sexy bank robbery story and even took her for a ride in the country on his bad-ass motorcycle. Sad for him, it was all for naught—he was just too damn crazy. Filthy too, apparently, because all she had to remember him by was a holey mattress full of mouse babies.

    In other news…my funny-renewal project is taking hold slowly. It’s hard to get that back sometimes. And so sue me if I’m lazy and decide to steal from real, authentic chat logs. Funny happens when you’re not trying. The other day Kristin and I were discussing the wonderfulness of hugging chubby guys. But we did have to hash out whether all-over chub beats out the pot-belly and we decided general chub wins by a landslide. This was about a 10-minute conversation. We then talked about our favorite soggy, smelly shoes that we each love and how we need to replace them. This was then followed by a lively discussion about ordering a box of maple-bacon lollypops. We have 4 of those babies en route as we speak. My friend Romeo sent me this link for baconphiles: www.royalbaconsociety.com. I told Kristin I think I might need the bacon panties—stat!—but she misinterpreted this and wrote: “OMG you need to date a chef or a fat guy to have bacon panties…oh wait, we are not talking edible.” Yes, as tempting as that sounds, it might just lead to some strange infection. We sound very crass, but I swear, we’re good gals. She saw a rickshaw for sale on craigslist. We’re thinking about making some extra cash on the weekends.

    I have been considering the concept of creepiness for about a week now. As we all know, creepy girls are slightly more difficult to come by than creepy guys. And why is that? I polled some of my male friends for examples of things a normal girl could do to make them seem ‘creepy’. Following are some of their answers:

    1) Making a voodoo figure out of a guy’s hair.

    2) Arranging a meeting with his parents.

    3) Making a fake character on Facebook or MySpace to befriend a guy’s girlfriend.

    4) Taking something that belongs to you when she leaves your apartment—like your toothbrush. Or a picture of your family.

    5) Going through the trash to see whether the guy has purchased any prophylactics.

    6) Looking at you with no emotion.

    7) Driving by a guy’s house to see if he’s there.

    Well…it was partially what I was looking for. Certainly not as creative as I would have liked. I may just have to post this question on craigslist (yes, 2nd plug for craigslist) to see what the wack-jobs in these parts have to say about that. Stay tuned…