A Boy and His Fancy Dog, A Carload of Dead Guys, Creeps Part 2, and A Great Modern Hero
I saw a very depressing commercial the other day. A mama polar bear and her baby bear were boogie boarding on a small ice sheet the size of…well a boogie board. Damn global warming. It sucked the air out of me to watch the poor bears on pathetically small ice floes and so I figure, hell, I gave money to save the honeybees, I should give some money to save the bears as well. My cousin is dealing with global warming anxiety in a much different way. He’s being sent to a therapist, firstly. Seeing as he’s still a little kid, the therapist told his parents to let it play out. And so he’s decided to build a boat so he can float on once the waters rise. It would be just big enough for him and his fancy long-haired dog. Which might be telling since he obviously has no plans for mami y papi.
My friend walked by a car of two dead guys the other day while eating some bacon from the cafeteria. She looked at the car and thought to herself now, that looks like a car of dead guys and she was right. The police took a long time moving these dead guys and even left them in the car and towed them in the car back to the crime lab. I wonder if they covered them. The SF Chron online featured a pic of one of the dead guys. He was just looking right at the camera. Not creepy at all.
Speaking of creepy, my co-worker handed me a list of creepy women (see my last post). I don’t think he understood the assignment fully. Here is the list:
1. Woman who had 10 abortions.
2. Woman who had her breasts removed and male genitals surgically attached.
3. Queen who bathed in the blood of young virgins for youthful skin (Eastern Europe, middle ages)
4. Gertrude Stein
5. My ex-girlfriend when she had PMS, a bad day at work, no pot and ran out of Prozac.
6. The older girl who hit me in the head with a muddy club with nails in it when I was 5 or 6 (no warning – I had several stitches in my ear) – my first encounter with a feminist.
7. Punk girl, singer in the Mutants (late 1970’s) who put raw liver in her coochi and went to work.
8. Joan Crawford (“Mommie Dearest“); Anne Sexton (drunk and masturbating in front of her young daughter); Lydia Lunch (used to be with Teenage Jesus and the Jerks)
9. Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno with respect to suicide of Vincent Foster and the Waco massacre (authorized by Reno).
10. Lorena Bobbit
11. Helen Gurley Brown – editor of Cosmopolitan, a “social x-ray”, refers to young womenas mouseburgers.
12. Woman with Munchhausen syndrome (makes her kid sick because she likes the attention and the drama at the hospital)
13. Big Nurse in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest; head prison guard in a woman’s prison in a film I saw (1950’s).
14. Emily Dickinson – lived alone, liked to go to funerals, called a “lesbian vampire” by Camille Paglia.
It is a very valiant effort demonstrating how well-read he is. I was asking for creepy qualities, but I suppose some concrete examples can be helpful. Most of these women aren’t really creepy according to my own highly complex and private definition of creepy. They sound distressed. Misunderstood. Except for maybe that queen who bathed in the blood of virgins.
My newest hero is that crazy chick who had her beloved pit bull cloned. Okay, that alone might make you crazy. I think she sold her house for the money to have this procedure done in Korea. I half-read a lot of news stories, so this might be all off. Well, it so happens that this is a lady with a past. A shady lady. A lady who, along with some male accomplice, kidnapped some young Mormon missionary in London in the 60s, ties him to a bed, bound his hands with fur-lined handcuffs and forced him to be her dirty little love slave. Hats off. Well, you know…she’s also wanted in Tennessee of all places. She got some 15-year-old kid to break into a house to get money for a fake leg for her beloved horse. Could you make this story up? Does she qualify as creepy? Because if that’s what it takes, count me in.
Oh yeah…for your viewing pleasure (those who haven’t experienced visual and rhythmic greatness)…I give you…