Stakin’ out the Pervs, Bacon, and the Edge of the Yoniverse

When I was a little younger and less, oh I don’t know, voracious, my friend Margs and I came up with a list of fat girl qualities.  It went like, “You know you’re a fat girl when you…” and for some reason the only one that really stands out is “…pick a crumb off your shirt and eat it.”  Margs came up with that one.  We laughed about it for days.  I think we were talking about it as we were eating M&M cookies from the Castro Safeway.  We used to buy them and drive around Golden Gate Park at night looking for pervs.  That sounds so sickening and creepy, but we pretended we were on stakeouts and it was kind of fun.  We were bored, what can I say??  And we did spot a few.


So anyhow, today I came up with a new one.  “You know you’re a fat girl when you are overwhelmed when the package you open from your boyfriend’s parents is a three pound slab of bacon!”  I kid you not.  It was freakin’ moving.  I got wind this “present” was coming but I wasn’t prepared for feeling so overwhelmed.  So I had to call them and say thanks and I felt like a total tard for going on about this bacon like I did.  Mar’s mom told me it was my Christmas present and I thought that was sweet.  It really is the simple things.


It’s nice when you find others who are as passionate about lovely food as you are.  Today Romeo actually said, “I love lentil soup. I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.”  Damn.  He is so dead-on.  I don’t even think I could top that if I tried.  It happens a lot.


Today I got a call from my off-duty coworker.  He told me his friend, this girl who frequently dresses up like a mermaid, completed her very epic vagina painting.  He’d told me about it a while ago.  I guess she took a photo of it and had been rendering it for some time.  He emailed it to me but warned that it might be too large and could crash my computer.  Jesus.  So, I opened it at work anyway.  It was large, I guess.  There were stars and other galactic things shooting out of it.  It was groovy.  There were some Buddhist monks collaged in too.  She called it her “Yoniverse.”  My coworker told me that this painting is surely going to open doors for this girl.  A Goddess friend of his is already lined up for her own Yoniverse painting.  I think she means to customize each yoni to really reflect the person it belongs to. 


I wonder if this is going to be lucrative.  I told my mom about it and she wondered about the medium the girl was using.  “Body paint?”, she asked.  I had to explain that it was not a yoni print, but a yoni painting.  I still don’t think she’s so clear on the concept.

One Response

  1. There was that one girl we saw on Craigslist that was selling paintings she made with her vagina. They looked like rubber stamps of her vagina on a canvas.

    We couldn’t figure if she was able to do the splits to make the painting or she stretched the canvas after stamping it.