With a Thickness and Beaver Bashing 101

The other day my friend Kristen and I talked about her night in the Haight and how some dude tried to holler at her.  This conversation literally took about an hour what with the research and all:


Kristen: “ooohhh gurl….you thick, you make the black girls jealous! You got a black girls ass! I wanted to tell him white girls aren’t so fond of being called “thick”

KatherineHAHAHAHAHAHAdude.  come onyou are no way thickyou got a booty but you’re itty bitty

Kristen: I know! Booty yes, calling me thick!  I just laughed though,   and then I got a few feet farther, another OG…”girl you a superstar” .  Few blocks farther a minivan pulled over asking if I had weed.  it was quite an experience crossing through lower haight.

Katherine: damn. sounds freakin sweet

Kristen:  did you know thick means curvy?

Katherine: hmmmmm

Kristen: thats what Wayne says

Katherine: ive always heard it mean well…thick and curvylike thick is goodbut thick doesn’t really describe you because you’re not chubby!!!!

Kristen: he’s telling me beyonce is thick.

Katherine: hmmmmmi guess sometimes she isi always just think thick means you’re solid and you got t&amucho t&a

Kristen: me too.  I imagine like….hmm, J LO but maybe not even.  Janet when she’s bigger I always thought thick meant meaty.  Wayne is like you gotta have meat to have curves

Katherine: maybe we should start a websiteam i thick or not?

Kristen: That would be fun.  It would be interesting to get everyone’s take on what is thick

Katherine: i agreeim also going to have to blog about you getting called thick in the haight

Kristen: Go right ahead.  ok, according to Urban dictionary thick is: 1. nice ass, nice legs, not skinny, with meat on your bones. thickness is the shit.   2. A woman with a perfect body, filled-in in places that are, by nature, designed to attract the opposite sex, such as the thighs, the hips, the breasts, and the most lovely part of all, the booty.

Katherine: damn.  i think i want to be thick now

Kristen: ha and 3. in England this means a person is stupid.e.g ‘1+4 isn’t 6,don’t be so thick’ ‘are you thick! don’t put your finger there’. originally thick head,or fat head but thick sounds better. if your an american in england, calling a girl thick will not go down well.it will mean that you think she is a dumb arse.   I like this definition: “A female or even a male who has a very nice curvy shape. Or a nice way of some mean person saying someone is fat without offending them. More than likely it is a girl who has nicely sized hips, thighs, legs, breasts, and booty. But what the misunderstanding is that they have all these things and a small waist… that’s not always the case. Someone can be a size 16 and be thick while another person can be that size and be fat. It mostly depends on a girl’s height. Get That Right, A’ight?!!”

 Yes.  People actually have conversations like that.  And yes, we have these conversations on company time.  We use the internet to research topics such as thickness, slab bacon, and the most effective way to skin a squirrel.  This was the only crummy diagram I could find.  I got too lazy:

I think in some survivalist guides you can find much more helpful diagrams.  I know my US Army Survival Manual is extremely detailed.  There are lists of ways to kill lots of different animals.  For opossums it says: “Catch by tail; club when possible.”  The worst I think might be the poor beaver: “Wait for the beaver to come on land, then club it, drop kick it, hit it with a rock, or catch it by the tail.  It is a sturdy animal, so if you catch it by the tail, swing it in a pendulum motion until it begins to relax, then swing it against a tree or the ground or use a noose to kill it…”  I swear that is what it says.  Clearly this has been time-tested and studied for efficacy.

At one point I wanted to be able to survive in the wild.  I don’t know that I’d have the heart to.



2 Responses

  1. That image looks like a children’s book illustration –
    “Curious George in: The Man With the Yellow Hat Needs New Gloves”

  2. Classic, I loved it, especially the last part about company time…..just last week I actually asked my coworker if she thought it was bad I typed into google (Japan+Rape+Manga) on the work computer.