Tap Dancing Freak Parade, Search Term Rundown, and My Doppleganger
Last Wednesday was my very first tap dance class ever. I’m turning over a new leaf. It’s time to step outside of my cozy comfort zone. And this class is sure to do just that. The room is small for the thirty or so people we’ve got in that class. Students at City College range from fresh-out-of-high-school teens to Tenderloin call girls to random twenty-somethings looking to do something with their free time to super drop dead old folks and everyone in between. And if you think about what a freak-infested town this is to begin with, just realize that a good deal of that freakshow population has, at any given point in time, gone to City College. And we’ve got a good healthy dose of freakishness in this tap class.
Kristin and I were sitting down waiting for the class to begin when in walks this guy with a unibrow, a Cosby sweater AND a page-boy haircut. I couldn’t have envisioned this any better. And he does a flying split-leap into the center of the room. And this was only the first few minutes of class. During the teacher’s talk, he sat there mumbling and doing floor exercises and did all these butterflies so as to flash his crotch. In our direction. He kind of reminded me of one of my uncles which is totally unfortunate.
The teacher kept getting irritated despite the fact that she’s very kooky and sweet. She had to lay the smack down a couple times on Cosby Sweater and once on this crazy red-head who kept asking questions in an attempt to get out of class early. “Can I add?” “Will there be enough space?” “Are these the right kind of shoes?” “Can you just add me now?” And then finally the girl looked like she was going to explode and she said (to the class), “Can I just tell a funny story? On my way to class I found a parakeet. But I don’t want the parakeet. I tried to call animal control but they wouldn’t come out for a parakeet. I don’t know what to do but I have to go.” It isn’t like a freakin’ wounded raccoon or man-hungry mountain lion. Then the teacher tried to tell some story about how some other student found a bird and it was the best tap class because no one tried to tap too hard. It struck me that maybe that someone was playing some practical joke because how random had this first 30 minutes been? And was this a preview of the next 18 weeks?
I’m one of those smug jerks who actually thinks they can conquer any challenge. But when the teacher made us tap in stocking feet I knew I was in for it. I think this class might kick my ass.
I have this feature on my WordPress account that lets me see what search terms people have used to find my site. Here’s a list of the big winners:
Model gay eye patch.
Brother makeup panties.
Allergy to Windex.
Fat girls wrestle.
Gum graft with cadaver tissue.
I am so appreciative of all the freak traffic I’ve got going on. I love it! If only the freaks would leave awesome comments on some stuff like, “Hey, Windex poisoning IS a very important problem. You wouldn’t be laughing if your eye swelled up the size of dang old golf ball!” Or, “You need more pictures of Asians girls with eye patches. I feel robbed.” And, I wish the real Baby Jessica would write me personally and tell me what the hell she’s been up to all these years?! Like, is she a party girl? Does she still fall down a lot? What are her views on Scientology? I think I might have found her on MySpace—it’s her assuming she never moved out of that crummy little Texas town. But right when I was going to click ‘Add as a friend?’ I found I couldn’t do it. I am so disappointing.
But…I have found my Doppelganger. Well, actually my friend Romeo found her online and showed her pictures to me and I showed her to Mario who just HAD to contact her and say: “You look just like my girlfriend! It’s creepy!” And it is. We pose the same way. We have the same bone structure! What’s crazier is that we even have the same interests like crafts and food and we both have sinus problems. I wish she didn’t live on the other side of the country or I’d force her to be my friend.